Unfortunately, we all know the uncomfortable feeling of having our buttons perfectly pushed by our parents, (after all, they installed them!), and we know equally well the failure we have in controlling our reactions to this act. Our goal is to remain as even-tempered as we can.

Our folks bait us and we react. This dance seems so deeply engrained in our psyche that our reactions–good or bad–are often unconscious.

What I am suggesting is this: At the moment those basic physical changes kick in, look upon them in an entirely new way. See them as a good thing, a signal from your body letting you know that you are under siege. They are not a signal that you are out of control, but an affirmation that you are in control. Use these feelings to feel strong rather than weak.

Actively carve out a small, calm space for yourself between your parents’ provocation and your response, and you will already be headed in a healthier direction. This interlude may be short, but it is crucial. It is within these few fleeting moments that your efforts to re-work your relationship with your parents will truly be born, and your caregiving will be enhanced. There is a great deal that must be accomplished in this small period of time, so it makes sense to have a plan for when it happens.

At first, these steps may take more time than is “natural” (be prepared to maintain silence longer than you do ordinarily, in order to execute each of these steps fully), but as you train yourself to separate your parents’ provocation from your normal response, you will be able to go through the steps faster and faster. Soon it will become second nature, replacing your original, destructive pattern entirely.

Here are the steps:

STEP 1: Isolate the provocative statement or action from your parent.
STEP 2: Your physical signs kick in.
STEP 3: You acknowledge them silently.
STEP 4: You analyze what your parent wants and why.
STEP 5: You decide what the productive response is.
STEP 6: You display that response.
STEP 7: You move on to neutral territory.

For these steps to work, you must be emotionally detached. You are just an observer isolating their actions or statements (Step 1). Some of us have many issues with our parents, but you must concentrate on the provocations that REALLY get to you.

Usually, there is a predictable “set-up” that culminates in a final statement or question that sends you over the edge, so it’s important to isolate the pattern that PRECEDES your parents’ provocation.

Step 2 is involuntary, by definition. All you have to do at this point is allow yourself to fully experience the physical changes that are automatically triggered when your parents push your buttons. Check your breathing in the seconds after your parents push those buttons. Is it short or labored? Is your heart racing? Do your fists automatically clench? Is there pounding in your head? These are some of the common reactions to having your buttons pushed, and they are different for everyone. As you become more conscious of them, you will note the order in which they appear. This is important because it gives you both a warning and time to differentiate between physical signs and emotions.

Step 3 is the most important in this pattern. The key is to become so familiar and comfortable with those signs that they no longer push your buttons. Yes, your palms seem on fire and an anvil appears to have been dropped on your skull, but those signs are no more “real” than the whoop-whoop-whoop of an ambulance siren. That siren is not an actual measure of crisis, it is a warning signal to avert crisis. Its deafening shriek has a valuable purpose.

Acknowledging your physical signs involves stripping them of their emotional weight. The “light bulb” moment is when you realize you are going to be all right, that the warning bells are just that — a sign that gives you plenty of time to protect yourself. Remember what it was like in school when a fire alarm went off for a drill? Remember how the sound of the siren immediately shocked you and started your heart beating faster? Then, seconds later, you process the experience and realized it was probably a drill. So you calmed your physical reactions down and prepared to exit the building.

You will eventually be able to slip rather gracefully into Step 4 (Analyze What Your Parent Wants and Why). Now you are breathing and a bit more relaxed, and you will be able to understand, embrace, and accept the things you deeply know about yourself and your parents — in other words, the origins of these behaviors. It’s likely that the same themes will recur again and again, and if you listen carefully you will begin to see how your parent?s deep needs express themselves, however vaguely.

You will need to come to some sort of understanding about why your parents push your buttons, and what they are getting out of it. For the most part, it’s not enough just to write them off as evil or self-involved or just plain mean. You and your parents are complex people with an intricate history. It is tempting to simplify their motives, but this will not get you very far.

The key word in Step 5 (Decide What the Productive Response Is) is productive. Productive does not mean “punitive” or “manipulative.” It means reaping results, benefits, or profits.

So, in going to Step 6 (Display that Response) it is vital that you share your feelings and explain what you miss or value and what happens to hurt you. Once you are willing to throw off your defenses and share with your parents, they are far more likely to work in the same manner with you.

Once you can see the act of button-pushing as a human activity made by someone you love, you will be able to follow their lead, rather than feel abused. If you follow the lead with love and understanding, you are on your way to neutral territory where healing can occur (Step 7).

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